I Can't Unsee

From the view of a Mother. Some days were harder than others at trying to do everything you could to help Austin be at his best that day.

I can’t unsee.

I had prepared myself for every scenario.

I knew our child would be taken from this earth early and I knew I had properly prepared myself.

I prepared for so long, so how am I still struggling?

I can’t unsee it.

I can’t unsee the look of pity.

I can’t unsee the pain in every doctor's eyes as they prepare to deliver more heartbreaking

news.

I can’t unsee the family gathered at the hospital, in tears, as they say goodbye to their child.

I can’t unsee what it looks like to struggle to simply breathe.

I can’t unsee my child being intubated.

I can’t unsee the open wounds caused by the body cast.

I can’t unsee the toll it has taken on all our family and friends.

I can’t unsee the emergency vehicles and first responders arriving at our home.

I can’t unsee over 1,000 seizures.

I can’t unsee the immediate shift of demeanor the moment our family arrived.

I can’t unsee the person silently crying after walking out of his room.

I can’t unsee the way people choose to act.

I can’t unsee the loss of function.

I can’t unsee the loss of your smile.

I can’t unsee a 14% drop in body mass.

I can’t unsee the deterioration.

I can’t unsee every single detail of the last week you were on this earth.

I can’t unsee the last round of meds I gave you.

I can’t unsee the look on my husband's face as he woke me up.

I can’t unsee the responding officer that had just returned from having genetic testing on his own child.

I can’t unsee what my deceased child looked like.

I can’t unsee the bright red blanket that covered our child as he left our home forever.

I can’t unsee my child lying in a casket.

I can’t unsee the sadness on our 5-year old's face when his older brother is mentioned.

I can’t unsee the now empty room you used to occupy.

I can’t unsee how much is missing from our home.

I can’t unsee the fragile urn you now rest in.

I can’t unsee the unforgettable memories. The perfect days with your bright smile, uplifting spirit, and contagious laugh

and these are the things that get me through.

Because I can’t unsee any of it.

- Lindsey Terling (Mother of Austin Terling)

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